I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
