I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dick very happy bro
Randomize