OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
