So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
