Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
