My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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