porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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