The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
pray to the hookup gods
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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