I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
