There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
