My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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