I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
