My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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