I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
