rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We had to coat check the pizza.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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