Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
