Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
