More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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