i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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