He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
