I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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