brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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