Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
