I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
