You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
