My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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