it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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