We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
