I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
