after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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