it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
