sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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