so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
