DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
