after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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