we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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