just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
