Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Blood and glitter go together right?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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