i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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