i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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