My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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