Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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