Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
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I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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