we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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