i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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