she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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