Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
