Non-Jews are for practice
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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