Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
