I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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