Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
