Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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