I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
