I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
