Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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