Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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