Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
