I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize